Sunday, 15 November 2015

Honesty. Self-Love. Self-Hate. Progressing Forward.

I think I am not alone when I say that I have a love/hate relationship with myself.
I have been doing much reflection lately on why have not been reaching my goals and basically self-sabotaging myself after every turn.
I mean, you guys remember when I got this last year, right?
It's an ongoing battle.

I realize that I am doing the negative portions of all of the following statements.

I am also trying to figure out what changed over the past year to have made me not like myself as much as I used to be happy with myself. I do not like being in this mindset.
I do not believe it all has to do with the little bit of weight gain that I have had.
Something is irking me, but I'm not quite sure what it may be.
Well, there is one thing that I never fully dealt with, but that's another story.
Let's just say that I recognize it: the fact that I had one experience that I faced as if it were no big deal when in actuality, it crushed a part of me.
I know that I have allowed it to affect many portions of my life lately, including relationships with friends and family.
It is not their fault or their feelings to deal with either, just mine.
And that's life.

I only share these things with you lately because as much as I used to share the happy, silly, and all that was going well, I don't want anyone who reads this to think that I don't struggle along from time to time. Sometimes, we struggle more than other periods.

So, as I have been reflecting and pondering so much the past few weeks, I know that my old habits have changed. I have become complacent, negative, and have not tried to take steps to change that.
I thought back to the "rituals", if you will, of my daily life last year and the year before.
I have quit all of them.

I used to really enjoy this:
Every morning I used to wake up, make my protein pancakes and coffee. I would get all comfy back in bed with both and peruse pinterest looking at positive quotes. Then, I would pull out my box of colored pencils and write down whatever struck me, a quote, something that I was grateful for, something funny, anything that put a smile on my face. Sometimes I would doodle, and then journal a wee bit. It did not have to be a long diatribe, just whatever was on my mind, be it silly or serious.
For some reason, that always started my day off happy.

So, for today, I have dug out my colored pencils, a journal, and have decided to begin that habit once again. I will food prep too this week. I had fallen back into the rut of not eating much during the day, or grabbing junk when I felt hungry. 

Those are two things I am going to begin again.
Two steps to the path of self-care and trying to love myself again. 
Little steps forward.
That's what we call progress.

Then, I can give you the fun, nerdy, silly posts again that I hope we all enjoy.
Like, perhaps I will break down and give you a 'now' pic, fat ass and all. 

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