Thursday, 24 September 2015

A Secret

I have always been sort of a loner.

Many people would probably never believe this.
I'm usually a social butterfly when I am out and about.
However, I do not chase people to talk to them.
If someone does not want to be my friend, fine.
If I see someone I know, but a group of people have them in a social circle, I will wave and mouth the 'Hi.'

I grew up in a very small town, in a very small rural area.
I was a weird kid and did not have many friends. 
I got used to it.
I spent much time alone.
I read. I drew. I painted. I wrote. I dabbled in different activities.
As I got older, the tendency to keep to myself stayed.
In high school, I thought I had developed a group of friends, but realized that that was not always the case. I was ditched from plans. Plans were kept secret.
For a while, I tried to stay included.
I chased. 
It did not change anything.

I spent many weekends alone, reading, writing, painting.
There were times that I still pursued trying to fit into a group of friends.
Then, I learned it didn't matter.

As I grew older, I came to really enjoy my alone time.
When I was out on my own, I never had a roommate, and didn't quite understand people who couldn't bear to be without one.
I did fall into a fabulous group of friends.
Those girls are still my main sisters today, no matter how far away we are from each other.

Even now, we have moved to a town of 90 people, plus or minus.
That's correct. I spend probably 80% of my time alone everyday, all week.
Do I get lonely? Of course, I do.
But I still have pursuits and activities that I enjoy and go do... on my own.

In this world of social media, I will not chase people down to talk to me. I refuse to fight for the attention of anyone. I am not saying that I will purposefully ignore people. What I am saying is that I will not vie for the attention of any person if they are in the middle of talking to other people. Same out in public. If I am in a group situation, I just sit back and allow everyone else to purr and coo over whomever they are considering the king/queen bee for the event. I will not butt in. I will not try to sway the conversation toward me. 
I mean, one time, my hubs tried to surprise me for my birthday. There were tons of people invited for a night out. It wound up just my husband and myself after a while because a more interesting person showed up.
Good thing I like him, and we have a good time alone.

Here's the thing. I am not the person that cannot survive without attention or being the 'best' friend to everyone, and I'm okay with that. More times than not, I get asked to go cheer other people up. I get asked to find out what is wrong with Person A. I am the person asked to mediate situations.
Then, I'm pretty much back in the background and not given much thought until I'm needed again.

However, I feel the need to change this. 
Much is my own fault, admittedly.
I do not ever ask for help.
I do not want to bug anyone, nor lay any of my problems on anyone else's shoulders, including my own spouse.
I will never let on if anything is wrong with me.
I will always do what I can for whomever I can.
I have created this to an extent. 
It's just me.

But yes, I get lonely.
I am human.
Though I may say that I'm fine with it, my feelings do get hurt to be ignored or put on the back burner constantly.
I have found that I am hermitting away even more now as I grow older and we are in a super rural area. Even with social media, I don't beg people to chat with me.
If I have not spoken to someone in a while, I do try to drop the, "Just saying hey," on them.
Whether they choose to reply or not is their choice.
I am now learning who to stop dropping the hi on. 

As dreary as this sounds... don't worry, at least not until I'm parading around in animal skins barefoot and just making grunting noises for communication.
Have a great one!


Melissa Cunningham said...

Can totally relate to this post on so many levels!
Keep hanging in there and continue being YOU!!!!

Jen lassalle edwards said...

I'm always afraid of sounding whiney in these types of posts, but all that my aim is is to just shed a little light on me and what others may feel. Glad I'm not alone!
*hugs to you too!*