Monday, 19 December 2016

Doodle journals, ramblings, and more.

It's something I've been doing. 
I write affirmations, goals, wants, etc., and mindlessly doodle.
It relaxes me.
And lately, I've needed it.
In the past two months, I've had three deaths in the family, and this past week a very close call with one of my relatives whom I am closest with in life.
In fact, she was gone for a few brief moments.
I'm not sure how much longer I will have with her.
She knows more about me than anyone, even my mother.
She's my aunt, but she's like a second mother and best friend.
She is who I most would love to be like.
She is unapologetically her, wild, free, uninhibited, giving, honest, and doesn't care what others think of her.
I love her more than myself.

Also, our almost 14 year old German Shepherd is on a steady deterioration. We know it won't be that much longer that we have with her. We know she'll be with us past the holidays, but after that...

This year has to end.
Or as I've messaged out, "Whoever has the voodoo doll of me...please, feel free to release the pins."

I woke up the other morning with broken blood vessels in one of my eyes.
I burned my arm trying to catch a log rolling out of the wood stove, and scraped my chin too.
Now, I look just as beaten as I feel.

I have been trying to be in gratitude and find happiness, but I am overly sensitive, sad, and snap with anger inside at all of the loss and grief, and just general poop that has been happening. Rationally, I know it doesn't help anything or change anything.
What can I say?
I'm human.
I know others have it much worse. I tell myself this every morning, and start the day saying,
"Today will be good. All positive, love, and happiness."
Then, BAM!
If there is, or whoever is, that greater entity must trying to show me something, but I'm not sure what yet. Obviously, I'm stubborn to figuring out why or what the message is.
Until then, I'm just trying to release the negative as best as I can.
And hope each day will be the turning point, however, every night, I do find at least one thing that I am grateful for. I have been making an effort to reach out to those I have not been in contact with as much and let them know I love them, am thinking about them.
I have come to know who in my life is there for me as well, and I appreciate them all the more.

 I may be slightly beaten, but not defeated.
I plan on turning this around and basically kicking 2017's ass into being my bitch.

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