Monday, 27 June 2016

What's Old Is New Again

This past weekend, I went into the city and met up with girlfriends that I haven't seen in a few years.
Yes, we kept up with each other through messages here and there, but we had not hung out together.
We all were burlesque performers during the same period, and performed in almost all of the same shows. It was like we had never been apart.
We talked for hours. It was funny that we had all been going through many of the same situations, emotions, illness, thoughts.
It was nice to know that I had not been alone in what I've been going through. I had just never talked to anyone about it, so who knew? It seems that the majority of women my age are experiencing the same things. 
We talked about changing our perspective on life.
We talked about the need for self-love and care, and that it wasn't a selfish thing.
We talked about cutting negativity, including negative people, from our lives.
We talked about the right to say, "No," as an answer without explanation or guilt.
We talked about guilt.
We talked about why we all did certain things in our past, and it's okay because we learned from those experiences.
We talked about people who still judge us from our past and can't see beyond that - and that's their issue. We talked about the difference in the women we flock to now -
women who support us, lift us up, and do not try to make anything a competition.
I realized how lucky I am to have these relationships, these ladies.
I want to cultivate them and not lose these positive influences in my life.
It's wonderful to have them in my life again.
And we're planning on bringing back another old thing - our monthly lunches!
I think I need that too.
Just like I need to learn to love myself again, and it's okay to do that.
I am not just a former roller derby ref, burlesque performer, smut writer, fitness competitor.
I want to be Jen and all that goes with that, but for people to see me as me, not an identifier of my activities.


Love & Joy!
JLE

Tuesday, 7 June 2016

When your comfort zone becomes a cage.

As you may have noticed, or not, I haven't been around a ton.
As you know, I've been unmotivated and keep trying to just start.
What I realized is that I'm just comfortable.
Maybe that's not the right word.
I have been unmotivated because I am just existing.
I have not been living life like I have in the past.
I have not been going outside of my comfort zone. At. All.
This is not me.
And
probably why I have been stuck in a slump, unable to complete a same old same old goal.
I'm not excited about anything.

Honestly, I have not even been leaving my house.
I have been burying myself in my contract work, piddling in the yard, trying to make mundane tasks last, feeding the birds and taking pictures of them as they come to the feeders, making excuses to not do anything.
I'm not sure where I went honestly.
I have not been happy.
I have ostracized myself from pretty much everyone.
Granted, winter did make it hard to commit to anything, but I've let it affect me all the way into spring. Besides the fact that we really do not have many neighbors, so I spend most of my days alone, working, talking to the pups. 

I need to make changes, and not just dietary and exercise regimes.

So, I've begun making plans.

I've booked two trips so far.
One will be for my first author signing at an erotica convention next year.
I'm not even sure what to bring, how many books, what to order for swag, how to dress...
But I'll figure it out from the experienced authors who I talk to, I guess.
There I will finally meet some indie authors whom I admire and spoken to via Facebook the past year. I'm excited to meet them in real life.

Another, I am embarking on alone. But that's for another time. I've done it before, and it was an experience I will never forget. 

I am venturing out with the wife of one of my husband's friends and her friends this weekend for a day out at an amusement park.
I went to one of my team workouts finally.
I missed them so much, and hope to be able to go to them more frequently.

I have been debating another competition.
I always worry about my husband because, let's face it competitions are hard on those who do not live the lifestyle, nor quite get the whole eating and increased workouts, the strict timing of EVERYTHING.
Having appointments, check-ins, etc., several times a week.
It limits many things I can do when we go out together as I sit and watch him eat.
But he assures me, he doesn't mind.
He thinks I need to start doing more, as he's seen me quite despondent and blue the past few months.
Every day, he asks, "Did you go to the gym?" because it seems the only place I may venture out to in the mornings. And I have not wanted to leave the house on weekends either.

This weekend we were forced to when we had to take one of the vehicles into the city for a service appointment. Or rather, since it's my car, he made me go with him.
I did enjoy going out to eat.
I went to Target for the first time since probably January.
Exciting, no?

Anyway, I never understood how this happened to people.
Now, I do. It's a slow spiral that buries you deeper and deeper until you really do need help digging your way out. 
I've figured out that I'm a person that needs to try new activities, adventures.
It doesn't need to cost anything, but I need to push myself, or I begin to hate myself.

Hopefully, I can make this blog a pleasant read again!
More adventures, more crazy exploits, just living and enjoying it.
Until this point, I had been living a life to be remembered.
I can't give that up now.

I leave you with this face, and new sunglasses because they made me happy.