So, I decided to disable comments for this post.
1. I don't want sympathy.
2. I don't want dirty, mean comments.
3. Not to be mean, but I'm tired of the "It's not the right time", "You can adopt", blah, blah, blah -
sorry, not to be mean, but I've heard this for decades now.
I have decided to share what's going on in my life.
It's a blog, right?
I've been MIA, no surprise.
Turns out the day after my 39th birthday, I found out that I was pregnant.
It's happened several times before.
Unfortunately, all have had the same outcome as I am about to describe.
We started off watching my HCG levels to make sure they were doubling.
Well, this time, they were!
Turns out, though, we weren't sure when this happened since I had lost my period while preparing and competing. Since we weren't sure when conception was and my past miscarriages, we did an ultrasound.
5 1/2 weeks.
Then, we scheduled another for 10 days later.
Then, what always happens happened.
I went in the next Friday.
I should have been 6 1/2 to 7 weeks.
Nope, still stuck at the same exact measurements.
Once again, blighted ovum.
I was given the weekend to think about how I wanted to handle it.
Monday came and the bleeding was heavy and the cramping had begun.
I went Tuesday for an ultrasound, and it seemed like it was occurring "naturally."
The lining was already expelled.
Tuesday night, I woke up in horrible pain. Imagine period cramps on steroids.
None of the scripts or meds helped. Wednesday came. More of the same, but now nausea came in to play. Fun.
Still no relief, even from prescribed narcotic pain killers.
Thursday more of the same.
Friday, it continues, but now, there are chills, nausea, pain, and fever.
Doc gets me in in the evening. She was in surgery all day.
For some reason, it doesn't want to come out all the way. Because the cervix is opened, the adenomyosis has increased the pain and bleeding and bacteria has probably entered causing an infection - hence the fever. It's past 5pm now, and everyone in the office is calling and running across the way to the hospital to try and get me in in the morning.
I had had water and soda only an hour earlier otherwise she was going to bring me over right then.
Well, good news came and they were able to get an OR spot in the morning.
So, at 5:30 the next morning, I went in and she extracted what was left.
I'm now feeling tons better and am on antibiotics.
I'm undergoing some tests to see if there is any realistic possibility for a future viable one.
I have so many issues with my uterus, plus several miscarriages and other issues pertaining to this....
She's giving me answers to help me decide without guilt if I should just get the uterus removed.
Needless to say, last week, I barely ate and lost weight and I'm sure muscle. My training has been sporadic at best. This week, my frame of mind is finally coming back to normal and I would like to go to the gym regularly because I miss it and the mental relief it gives me.
So there's why I 've been away.
It hasn't been because I have purposely been being crazy or anything.
And I'm sure that I have not been as eloquent as I would have liked.
Maybe I sound a little callous even.
If anything, I believe that I'm trying to keep myself detached and a little in denial.