Thursday, 22 January 2009


I deal with stress badly. In the past I have dealt with anxiety and panic attacks when I worked in the actual office. The past couple of weeks have left me on edge.

It seems to the average person that I have a perfect job. I get to work from home. I work for the company that I have worked for since I was 18. Only now, I am "self-employed" and contracted since they are in New Orleans, and I am in Colorado. It has always been a very stress inclined job. Rush, rush, rush. For the most part my bosses do not plan or prioritize leaving everything until the last minute. It then falls on me to complete project drawings by the deadline. It is not unusual for me to receive a phone call saying, "We’re faxing you this survey. The client expects the drawing in 15 minutes." Always the impossible, always the phone calls, always the pushing. It has gotten to the point where I am afraid to leave my house, even to wander into the back yard because the sporadic, yet frantic needs until the work day is over, even if there is no project on my desk.

At times, it really isn’t so bad. Regular paced work given to me to be done in a normal manner. Most times though it is the race. I absolutely abhore it. Yet, I am petrified to quit. I have no other skills. I really would not want to continue doing AutoCad with another company because I do not enjoy it. I have no clue what I would want to do with my life. Almost 36 years old and clueless about what I want.

My expectations are too large, I know. I cannot have a perfectly scheduled or structured life. I like free time, time to exercise, dance, draw, walk the dogs, garden. I know it’s too much to look for in another career. So, I sit and crumble a little more each day.

This is why I was talking about consulting a life coach. The prices though are *ouch*. Trying to take some quiet time to reflect each day, but I get more and more confused. ~sigh~

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