Sunday, 4 December 2016

Need change

I have come to realize that I need drastic change.

I cannot live up to everyone's expectations of me.  And this past week, the world has been crumbling around me, but it didn't matter. Because I made it clear to everyone how horrible things have been with daily catastrophes hitting, and 3 people made it a point to check on me. One I know in real life, the other two cyber friends. Family?  Well they just kept messaging me asking advice about food and exercise, and when I did say I was basically in the middle of a break down and inundated with work, I got shut out Or yeah I know but what should I eat?
.
And though I have been crying and in a state of melt down for five days, I have still worked for 15 to 18 hours a day. And even when I tell real life family and friends just that, it doesn't matter. Even the two deaths in three days, no one gives a shit.  Everyone has expectations of me.
And I can't fail.
And I cannot take it.
I fail.
I am a failure.

I said openly while crying,  "At this point,  I want to go stand in front of a bus."
Didn't matter because everyone is concerned about them. And while I have spent my energy trying to worry about others and help others,  I realized I have let myself be buried.
For the past five days, I have been in the same pajamas trying to fix a work computer situation hi, not eating, having maybe a shot of water, but I am still questioned about my neglect of family and friends. Even when I can barely speak in tears and snot, I am the awful one.

This is why I have known since I was seven that I will die alone with no one.

It's time for a change.

And is anything really worth it?

I am beginning to see how people are selfish.

And now I know, I need a change, a new job, a new life, new friends... New me because me is not working.

Monday, 28 November 2016

Comparison is the Thief of Joy



This is so true.
How many times have all of us looked at someone else and compared what they have to ourselves, be it a banging body, success, material items, relationships?
How did they get it?
We may feel we deserve what they have just as much.
Those feelings can lead to jealousy, anger, resentment.
However, we don't know what they did to achieve any of that, how hard they worked, what pains they have gone through.
Right?

This is what I am reminding myself of today.
I spent days off of Facebook, went on last night, and found myself doing just these things.
Hahahaha, Facebook is the thief of joy.
No, no, but I find when I am on there, I compare myself to all of these statuses and posts.
However, who knows if these statuses are 'real.' It seems we all like to post things that make our lives look perfect. 
Even still, I don't know how hard others have worked to achieve these statuses that I was envious of either.

I had to remind myself this morning that I have no control over anyone but myself. 
I am me.
And that is all good.
I have relationships that are perfect for me, and I don't need to blast it all over the place to prove it.
My body is a work in progress.
I do blast that sometimes, but I want to inspire others to achieve their goals...and so are these other people. They are just ahead of the game, and that's proof of their work.
Success?
Well, I'm still striving toward that.
I have to evaluate what I consider success.
In the book world, I am not successful, but I have a tiny following who look forward to my books.
I am grateful for that.

That being said, I have found positivity also takes work.
Being happy, takes work.
It's all in choices.
Though I backslide, I will continue to strive for happiness and positivity as my main focus.
And maybe less Facebook and more recipes...which I owe you! 😀



Wednesday, 26 October 2016

Today, I posted this on Instagram.
I am trying to be kind with myself and love who I am in the moment.
I am 43.
There are thousands, if not tens of thousands or even more, women of that age who look far better than me. Can I get better?
I have, and I will again.
However, I am okay with where I am at the moment.
I yo-yo with motivation and discipline...and food. It's life, but I keep on trying.
A little progress is still progress.
I will never be perfect, and I have to stop getting upset with myself when I screw up.
I'm telling the negative talk in my head to fuck off more, and it's making me happier. 


And this is probably meant to be a spoof, but eff it doesn't make me feel better and smile every single time that I listen to it. 


Wednesday, 19 October 2016

You never know.


I found out today how true this is.
Something happened to me today as I was at the gym just struggling to get through my half-a$$ workout. I saw a lady, who I have passed many times since moving here. We've chatted before in restaurants or when we've seen each other out, basic pleasantries. I've always thought she was vibrant, happy, and pretty too.

Today, she was on the elliptical, I was doing a little treadmill karaoke when she approached me.
I took out my headphones, and she proceeded to compliment me on the changes I have made in the past few months. She wants to make changes too. So, we chatted. We talked about food, exercise, weights, our similar lifestyles. Our conversation went even deeper. We discussed social media, society standards and how it affects our young girls. She would like me to meet and talk to her teen daughter. We've even exchanged numbers, talked about maybe getting together to food prep, hang out and workout together.

I'm not tooting my own horn at all, but I didn't realize that I had an impact on others, or could even possibly help anyone. I mean, I have my own issues...which I told her a little about too, lol. 
So even though I have been struggling, I haven't given up over the past few months.
Even though I may not always see the changes in me, others have.
Today has inspired me to keep going stronger.
How cool is that?

And on a not so serious note...
Today's legging game:
Cthulu on my crotch.



Tuesday, 18 October 2016

Tasty Tuesday & Progress Pics

I have been lacking veggies in my diet.
I know, I know, they are key!
So, I have been finding ways to sneak more in.

I made this yesterday and made it again today.
This is what I have been eating once I get back home from the gym.
It's super flexible, and I add different veggies each time.


Ingredients:

Some of my ground turkey cooked with salsa that I prep earlier in the week.
1 whole egg
Peppers we grilled (but sometimes I just cut up the raw too)
tomatoes
baby spinach that I cut up
Bragg's Nutritional Yeast


I spray my pan with olive oil spray then layer my ingredients, cracking my egg over the top.
I cover it and cook over a lower heat, checking on it every three minutes.


I like mine done so that when I put it in the bowl, I can slice into the egg and have the yolk ooze over the rest.


Another quick meal that I discovered.
I have been craving salad with something other than spinach.
Sunday, I picked up this Chopped Salad Mix by Dole.
It's the Pomegrante blend.

It contains: Pomegranate infused cranberries, flax seeds, shredded brussel sprouts, cabbage, romaine, kale, carrots, green onions & Dole Pomegranate Vinaigrette.
So, easy.
I just put some of the grilled chicken on top from food prep time.
There are 3.5 servings, but I will have the salad part devoured in three.
Then again, I don't use all of the toppings or a ton of dressing either.



I will definitely be buying these again and trying the other varieties available.

And I have finally been able to start wearing the leggings that hubs bought me last Christmas.
Remember, I told you he bought them and chose the size by looking in my drawers.
Sweet guy didn't realize I have pudgy clothes and in shape clothes.
Now, I'm not 'in shape' where I would like, but progress is progress.

I am doing my first (and more than likely only) romance/ertoica book signing convention in New Orleans next year.
I figured if one of my books is titled Ripped & Twisted, I should try to represent!


Fluff n stuff, but getting there.
Patience, right? 


Monday, 17 October 2016

I'll let you in.

I thought I would share with you.
This is definitely not a 'woe is me' post. It's more of an explanation.
Many people are not aware, but I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks, with bouts of depression.
Going into a store that was crowded would bring me to tears.
Driving a few miles on the highway had me breathing  heavy.
Probably around thirteen years ago, I actually took prescription drugs for it because my attacks were so bad.
Eventually, being me, I stopped those medications cold turkey and tried to find alternative treatments.

The best thing I ever did was get into fitness.
The years that I was pretty on track and kept my food in check, I rarely suffered the dreaded attacks.
I handled stress in a better way. In fact, I was more relaxed mentally all the way around. 

These past two years, I've not been diligent in either food nor exercise, or a vitamin routine...as we know...which has led to a renewed recurrence of these dreaded symptoms.
I have to mentally prepare to drive to the gym, the grocery, to get gas, to even go walk my garbage up to the street has me worrying if someone will pass by.
I don't even want people to look at me or acknowledge my presence.
Social anxiety.
My heart feels as though it will pound out of my chest every time my phone pings with an email from work. I do not want to be around people. I do not want to interact. I basically do not want to leave the safety of my house.
It's really a pain, however, I do not want it to escalate to the point it was so many years ago.
The past few months have really gotten better.

This may be one reason why I seem obsessed with trying to get myself back on the wagon again.
Sure, the body is awesome. I do not lie about that.
But, in all honesty, when I am healthy and fit, I feel normal.
So bear with me. I know I am going slow getting back into blogging.
I am a huge proponent of food in being medicine.
At least, it works for me.

I am also trying to remember to practice gratitude.
Focusing on the good everyday because usually my anxiety is caused by all of the fears or worries that I tend to create - what if's.



I want to worry less, embrace the present, do more of what makes me happy, spend time with those whose company I enjoy. 

And this morning, I made a yummy meal.
Tomorrow, I will make it again, take pictures and hopefully get around to posting it too!

And I realize that I am getting older. I hope to be a capable and strong woman as long as I can.
If I can't help the face, I will try to help the rest of me over how ever many years I am granted.



Happy Monday!
I am grateful for the people in my life who support me and believe in me.
I am grateful to live in a beautiful mountain area.
I am grateful to have the capability to make changes that I believe I can.


Saturday, 8 October 2016

Inspired cooking!

Hey all!
I have been a busy bee, but am proud to say that I am another 2 pounds down, 7 to go for my goal.

I have also been obsessed with cooking again...and cookbooks and recipe sites.
I have been going to the library and grabbing bunches.
Then, if one really catches my eye, I order it.
These are my two newest ones on order.
I did not necessarily go searching out Paleo books, but they caught my eye, and the recipes look amazing.



This morning I made these which are from the first cookbook by Julie Bauer.
They are Lemon Raspberry Swirl Muffins.



I found a link for you to the recipe here.

Last night I found this recipe and decided to alter it to fit more of my eating habits.
It's a Bobotie.



The top is actually an egg & milk mixture. I subbed unsweetened cashew milk for real milk.
Underneath is a lean ground beef that was cooked with a myriad of spices and flavors.
There were a few ingredients that I left out, like sugar. 

That's what so wonderful about recipes like this, you can alter them and make them healthier.
It has sooo much flavor from curry powder, tumeric, garlic!

Here is the original recipe.
My hope is to find amazing recipes, alter them, then put them here for you to try.
Right now, I'm just playing with flavors and ingredients to make them healthier.
It must be working because the weight is coming off, and I have not been killing myself in the gym, just enjoying my workouts.
Progress pic soon!