I have come to realize that I need drastic change.
I cannot live up to everyone's expectations of me. And this past week, the world has been crumbling around me, but it didn't matter. Because I made it clear to everyone how horrible things have been with daily catastrophes hitting, and 3 people made it a point to check on me. One I know in real life, the other two cyber friends. Family? Well they just kept messaging me asking advice about food and exercise, and when I did say I was basically in the middle of a break down and inundated with work, I got shut out Or yeah I know but what should I eat?
And though I have been crying and in a state of melt down for five days, I have still worked for 15 to 18 hours a day. And even when I tell real life family and friends just that, it doesn't matter. Even the two deaths in three days, no one gives a shit. Everyone has expectations of me.
And I can't fail.
And I cannot take it.
I am a failure.
I said openly while crying, "At this point, I want to go stand in front of a bus."
Didn't matter because everyone is concerned about them. And while I have spent my energy trying to worry about others and help others, I realized I have let myself be buried.
For the past five days, I have been in the same pajamas trying to fix a work computer situation hi, not eating, having maybe a shot of water, but I am still questioned about my neglect of family and friends. Even when I can barely speak in tears and snot, I am the awful one.
This is why I have known since I was seven that I will die alone with no one.
It's time for a change.
And is anything really worth it?
I am beginning to see how people are selfish.
And now I know, I need a change, a new job, a new life, new friends... New me because me is not working.